nostalgia

“Your dad died.”

Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in 1975, the year after he retired as an inspector at the A.O. Smith Company in Milwaukee. At that time, the treatment he received for the cancer was treated by outfitting him with a colostomy. For a time, he felt restricted in his life, but Dad loved life, loved having fun, and in a couple of years he was able to travel with Mom, to California, to see Mom’s brothers, Johnny and Pete, and to Hawaii, to see their grandson, Colin (and his parents, of course!). When I look through the pictures of that time, I see what fun they had, visiting the sites in Northern California, and playing with their grandson in Pearl City. He and Mom had fun together – maybe the time in their lives when they were most free to enjoy retirement.

That time of enjoyment ended in 1985, when the cancer returned. He suffered with chemotherapy for a few months, but by the beginning of 1986, he let go of trying to fix the disease. He spent the last two months of his life in St. Joseph’s Hospital in Milwaukee, holding on. His grandson (and his Mom) visited him. I made a trip from Northern CA, at least once. Pete and Johnny came, and some friends from the steel mill. A couple of folks from church came to see him, to visit and to pray. During that time, my dear friend Joanne visited Dad often in the hospital, and gave support to Mom in the rest of her life.

At the end of my last visit, I stood with the doctor at the end of Dad’s bed, and the doctor said: “I don’t know about your father.” I wish he’d been more honest – I always like to hear the truth, even if it’s hard. We both knew that Dad wouldn’t last much longer.

As with Mom, the end of Dad’s life was held in the hands of some greater Spirit, which became apparent on the night he died. About 11:30 pm on that night, my husband and I were already in bed at our home in Northern California. When the phone rang, I answered right away. Joanne was on the line. She said: “Your Dad died.” Then, she said, “the hospital has tried to call your Mom several times, but she doesn’t answer.” That seemed strange; never a good sleeper, Mom would jump up from anywhere in the apartment to get the phone on the wall in the kitchen. I tried to call her; she answered after the first ring. I said: “Mom, Dad died.” A moan came from her, then she said: “What should I do?” I told her to call Joanne, who would come to take her to the hospital.

My sister Suzie was the last of us to be with Dad the evening before he died. She stood by his bed, adjusting the intravenous tube that brought liquid to his failing body. He’d lamented to me on a visit that he had once been so strong, worked so hard, and now…” As Suzie stood next to his bed, she said a prayer: “God, please don’t let him suffer any more.” Suzie had not prayed the prayer of letting go before that night. Then she went to stay the night at her in-laws.

Several hours later, after I had called Mom, I called Suzie, sound asleep. She told me she’d been dreaming, a dream of her looking down into the casket in which Dad lay. Then she told me, “maybe this could wait until morning.”

As I’ve reflected before, life can be a mystery, more often than we know, I’d guess. At the time of Dad’s death, and at the time of Mom’s death, many years later, some greater Spirit paved the way for us, and walked us through the passage of time, those holy moments of letting go, of surrendering even one we love so dearly to death. We all stood in our places, unknowing, as the Spirit moved.

Dad in better times, in San Franciso.

Remembering now, sadness comes, of course. But I breath deeply in remembering how we were all held by an invisible grace. Sometimes, we forget. I know I do.

1 thought on ““Your dad died.””

  1. Your writing about your parent’s death was so touching and poignant. I feel sad for you and for all of us who miss our parents after they have gone.

    Liked by 1 person

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