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Flying into the Face of God

FullSizeRenderInto that sighing Presence…

Many times in this life
you will fly into the face of God,
holding onto a cord attached to no where at the other end.

You will shake your fists,
your eyes will roll,
foam will seep from your mouth:  your anger, despair.

Then:  God’s quiet sigh.

By instinct you will turn                                                                                                                                           toward that long sigh, you, spent and wondering.

In the depths of wonder you will find                                                                                                                there is another way:

to walk, feet firmly planted on earth, one foot stretching out in front of the other,                      head up – slowly now –                                                                                                                                             into that sighing Presence.

 

meb/7/2015

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The Eternal Now

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“Nothing truly real is forgotten eternally, because everything real comes from eternity and goes to eternity.”
― Paul Tillich, The Eternal Now

Words cannot express the “eternal now,” although Tillich valiantly tried! Life in this moment – this moment – this moment – this moment, is completely rich, colorful, deep, ecstatic, and real. No, that’s not it.

A Buddhist friend and I spoke about our meditation practices. I tried to explain how I was seeing/living life these days, these precious days. I feel as if my eyes are wide open, as if I am here, now, and that this is good. He listened, quietly, without speaking. Then, he said: “I think you are experiencing what the teachers call, ‘awareness.’

Life is a series of “moments,” after all. Poets know this. I have in mind a collection of poems I call, “Moments,” those tingly, beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime moments when, fully alive, I was witness to something beautiful, and fleeting, and wonderful. There might have been pain in those moments. Maybe there was confusion in one of those moments. Or joy. Or light. Or sadness. Movement, or stillness. In my memory, each of these “moments” is recorded as if it were a still-frame… forever.

I have missed so many of those moments! Haven’t you? I’ve missed those moments by going full-steam ahead into my busy schedule, my mind filled with important things. I’ve missed those moments by worrying about what I said yesterday, and thinking about what I will say tomorrow. I’ve missed those moments when, wrapped in anxiety, waking at night, I think again about something that has already passed, some encounter, some person, some wrong that I have known.   When I know it now – perhaps not in memory, but in my feelings – I have missed the moment.  I have missed the moment – not by conscious choice, but by the habit of my mind.

Sigh…  we are so human, aren’t we?  So limited, and so free!  At least – I am.

The great gift of this time in my life is that I can be present to my world, to my life, to the blessed people who are the gifts of each day.  I can be present to the changing light, to the evening coming on, to a bird flying from its nest for the first time, its mother scolding and encouraging, a few feet away.  I can be present to another’s story, to the look on their face.  I can witness the pain of another – see it in them, hear the break in their voice, and grieve with it – as they honor me with their story.  I can be there, now.

I can have my sadness as well as my joy.  I can hear the hum of traffic and the calling of the owl in the distance.  I can smell the sweet fragrance of a flower, and see the light change from dusk to dark.  I can see a small and strong emotion mark your face, your beloved face, for a moment.  I can cry, and be ok with it.  I can be angry, and be ok with it.  This too shall pass!

Life has not always been this glittering, this sparkling, this rich, for me.  I have struggled and I have even suffered.  I have lost, and I have lost time by looking too often for the wins.  I have been deeply depressed, and I have been filled with sorrow.  I have lost days, worrying over what I have said, and how to rectify it.  I have hated and I have loved.  But I have not always been present to this one life, this one gift, this one moment.

Here it is:  now…

 

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Telling Your Story

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Warning:
“It is a great mystery that though the human heart longs for Truth, in which alone it finds liberation and delight, the first reaction of human beings to Truth is hostility and fear. So the Spiritual Teachers of Humanity, like Jesus and the Buddha, created a device to circumvent the opposition of their listeners: the story. They knew that the most entrancing words a language holds are these: once upon a time. They knew that it is common to oppose a truth but it is impossible to resist a story. One ancient teacher, Vyasa – the Hindu tradition – has said that if you listen carefully to a story you will never be the same again. That is because the story will worm its way into your heart and break down barriers to the divine.”  – Anthony deMello, S.J.

What stories have shaped your life?
What stories were you told, again and again, as a child?
And – what stories do you tell, again and again, to your own children?
What is the story of your life? Who are the characters? How does the story unfold? How has the story changed? Is there a pattern to your story?

Is the story you would tell today the same as the story you would have told a year ago?
A decade ago? What story do you want to be yours when you die?
When you tell the story, what parts do you want to have remembered? What do you leave out?

As a girl, my father would sometimes come to tell me a story so that I would go to sleep. His favorite – or was it my favorite? – was Jack and the Beanstalk. My father was a great story-teller with a gravelly voice, and he would begin the story: “Once upon a time…” Soon – and this is the part I remember, the embellishments would begin. Dad would make that beanstalk grow so big, big, big, big, into the sky. I could see the bright, richly green leaves, and I could see them growing bigger, and the beanstalk growing taller and taller into the sky. I can still see that beanstalk! Then, there was the giant. Dad would say what the giant had to eat – and drink! My dad was a beer drinker, so most of all, I remember the cases and cases and cases of beer the giant had stored up. Sometimes, though, we didn’t get to that place in the story. Dad fell asleep before I did, time after time, and the story gave way to his snoring…

There is a great power in stories. The indigenous people knew this, and the elders told the story – the creation of the people, stories about the great gods, the powers, the animals and birds – again and again. Deep inside all people is the understanding that the story is basic, is part of who we are. We are our story. We are the story of our ancestors.

***

Because the stories of the powerful are the stories that history recounts, those with less power have a need to tell their stories. This is the need of the indigenous people, of women, of people of color, of religious minorities. This is my story. This is who I am. This is why I am here. This is my truth.
Telling the story of the less powerful is a kind of structure, a structure of safety.

***

Maybe you need healing today. Maybe something has been gnawing, gnawing inside of you for months or years or decades. Maybe it is eating you alive, eating a part of you to death. Only you know it. Maybe what you need healing from is something you go over and over in your mind, and you have turned it over, for a long, long time. But you can’t let go. That you know. You may not know what it is doing to you, how your life is less because of this thing gnawing your insides.

 

The way to heal is this: you tell your story to someone who will listen. You tell your story with as much truth as you can muster. And to do this, you must find someone safe to listen to your story. Who is safe? Someone who is safe will not try to change you. Someone safe will not interrupt you as you tell the story. Someone who is safe will not say: “oh, you shouldn’t feel that way.” Someone safe will simply – and profoundly – listen to your story. It is your story, and you tell your story as you understand it.

And, you are healed. If you are not healed, then you must tell your story, again and again, until you are healed. That may take months. It may take years. It may take decades. You will tell your story as long as it has the power to destroy you.

You will tell a silent witness. That is the true power of confession.

***

My thought is that those people who have told their story honestly, without making a hard story “nice,” are the people who can be trusted.  A woman I know says this:  “my father was a pedophile.”  She speaks of her suffering.  She also has a wonderful laugh, and she is a joy to be with.  She tells the truth; and she is a joy.  She is a person who can be trusted.  She has faced her life as it is/was, and she has survived.

My thought is that those who have not reflected on their own story, who cannot/will not tell the truth, who continue to speak as if everything is good and has always been good, cannot be trusted.

When you go looking for your witness, please, please find someone who has told the truth about their own life.  Look for someone who will listen, then, to your truth, in all its gritty darkness.  When there is one who knows that darkness is in them, too, that one can be trusted with your story.

 

 

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switching gears – the easy way

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In the past, I could be in a funk for days. My thinking was off, everything was going wrong (especially in my thinking!), I was crabby, nothing suited me, the cat was a pill… you get the picture. If you’re honest, you can contribute your own list.

This morning, I awoke with that kind of thinking. Yuk. I am not a pleasure to be around, particularly for myself. Today, though, a gift arrived.

I spent time with a friend in her yard and garden. First, we cleaned the koi pond. Then, we cut off lilies past their bloom in the bushes. Finally, we took a tour of the vegetables in her suburban garden, dragging huge zucchini squash from their hiding places onto the lawn. Bees and dogs followed us around the yard, interested, of course, in every move.

Afterward, my friend and I parted for our separate days.

I feel better now. For a “city girl,” for one who has lived most of her life in her thinking and feelings – as if they are the center of the Universe! – the small tour of yard and garden was a gift. My friend apologized for all I would have to do when she leaves and I tend her garden for a couple of days. I don’t see it that way.

A day. A gift. Grounding. Something simple. Something profound.  Memories of the ancestors, people of the earth.  Songs.

Small pleasures. Gifts of God.

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After Charleston, thoughts

 

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Like all of us, I am grieving for the losses suffered in Charleston, S.C. last week. The United States is face to face again with the bitter and harsh reality of the racism that is in the fabric of the nation, with the danger to lives of folks who are not white, and with all of us, because, we are part of this horror. Every single one of us.

I’m white. That gives me something I did not earn, will not earn. I am a white person with a legacy of white privilege. These days, we who are embarked on the journey of learning about our own racial identity talk about privilege. We know we have privilege. But, is knowing we have white privilege enough?  We are victims of our own privilege.

Over the years, I have heard the conversation about race in this country changing.   Many of us recall the beginnings of the Civil Rights movement, and we recall the powerful witness of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.  We remember also, that awful day of his death.  We were grieving then.  We are grieving again, now.

What I am thinking, in these days of shock and mourning and amidst the words from all sides of the political and social spectrum, is that we are all complicit in this hate crime. It’s too easy for us to point a finger at the young man who carried that hidden gun and used it to kill others simply because they were “different.”  It’s easy for us to blame the gun lobby, who even now are saying the victims were lax in not carrying their own concealed weapons.  It’s easy for us to blame the others who influenced that young man; certainly, the Internet is full of sites that and anger and enrage young people who are looking for their own identity.    It’s easy for us to shake our heads at history and the legacy of racism in this country.

We are all complicit, and we are all victims of the way things are.

If we are to “have a conversation about race,” which is what our President suggests, in his own grief, again and again, how do we do that?

We are all complicit in this crime. We did not pull the trigger, but we support “the way things are” without ever looking at ourselves.  This is the hard thing, to acknowledge that our privilege is built on crimes like this.  White privilege is built on the way things are.  We may rant and rave and we may show up now, to grieve, but things will not change.  We like the way things are, because then, we are not asked to change.  We don’t have to look at ourselves, at our own complicity.  We are a nation, a world of children, children in adult bodies, children, who will not, cannot, do not take responsibility for ourselves.

“The way things are” has produced and will continue to produce “the system” of which we are all a part.  Every system is designed to get the results it gets. (G. T. O’Connor).  Unless parts of “the system” refuse to participate, “the system” will not change.  We will have the same elected officials.  Drugs and violence will continue to run rampant.  We will continue to complain, even those of us on the left, but there will continue to be police violence, dangerous cities, more guns on the streets, and more deaths like the ones in Charleston, S.C., unless we change the system in which we all cooperate.

We are complicit in this crime, every single one of us.

In the Hebrew Scriptures, the prophet of ancient Israel, Isaiah, was frantic for his people.  He petitioned them, again and again, to repent.  What he meant, I think, is that the people were asleep.  They were living as if they had no power to change.  They blamed their leaders, they complained, they suffered, again and again, but they would not change.  They would not change their system, just as we will not change ours.  The people were asleep, but they would not look at that, they would not see themselves as they were.

The people would not take responsibility for themselves, for their own complicity.

And so we are tired of the suffering, but we continue to point our fingers.  We continue to blame others.  This nation, this world badly needs people who will take responsibility for themselves, take stock of their own complicity, who will stop complaining and repent.

Will we do that, now, now, now?

To repent will mean to accept our complicity, to refuse to honor, in any way, the systems we now have.  Does this mean people – everyone – in the streets?  I think so.  It is way past the time for us to be in the streets with signs blaming “the other.”  We have to be in the streets as adults, with a show of strength.  We have to acknowledge our own complicity, our own white-ness.  And we have to stay in the streets until change really happens.

Enough is enough.  Will we ever awaken from this dream, this sleep, this nightmare?  When will we ever, truly, with our whole being, say, “enough is enough.”  When will we stop blaming others, become adults, and do this?  When?